The One With the Thumb
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Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz. 
Transcribed by: guineapig
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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] 
Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys*! 
All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! 
Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd* it go? 
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway* and said 'We* should do this again!' 
All: Ohh. Ouch. 
Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? 
Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. 
Rachel: Since when? 
Joey: Since always. It's like dating* language. Y'know,* like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. 
Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. 
Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. 
Rachel: And everybody knows this? 
Joey: Yeah. Cushions* the blow. 
Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put* your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. 
Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. 
Monica: Uh, Ross. 
Ross: What? Wh- hello?* The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!* 
Opening Credits* 
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse* for a part.]
Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" 
Joey: "Warden,* in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." 
Chandler: Hey, that was really good! 
Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going. 
Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya* want from me, Damone, huh?" 
Joey: "I just wanna* go back to my cell. 'Cause* in my cell, I can smoke." 
Chandler: "Smoke away."* 
(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He fumbles* and drops the lighter.  Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag,* and coughs.)
Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. 
Joey: What? 
Chandler: Relax your hand! 
(Joey lets his wrist go limp.*) 
Chandler: Not so much! 
Joey: Whoah! *
Chandler: Hey! 
Joey: Hey! 
Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.* 
(Joey tries and visibly winces.) 
Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. 
Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. 
Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. 
(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.) 
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. 
Joey: Y'miss* it? 
Chandler: Nah,* not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.) 
[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.] 
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb* to the tip of his index finger. 
(The guys stretch out their fingers.) 
Joey: That's ridiculous! 
Ross: Can I use.. either thumb? 
Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Latte..* And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! 
All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. 
Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me! 
(The gang swaps* all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters.  She sits down without saying hi.)
Joey: Y'okay*, Phoebe? 
Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. 
Monica: What did they do to you? 
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT*- 
Ross: Easy. 
Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. 
Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... 
Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal* with them. 
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! 
Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. 
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! 
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... 
Monica: We're with* you. We got it. 
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.) 
Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic* debt. 
Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? 
Monica: (pulling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing? 
(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)
All: Oh! Oh, God! 
Ross: What is this?! 
Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. 
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! 
Chandler: And this- is my reward!* 
Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through* the last time you quit. 
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit! 
All: Ohhh! Put it out! 
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.) 
Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! 
Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. 
Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'? 
Monica: 'S'goin* pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. 
Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy? 
Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. 
All: Oh, come on! Come on! 
Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve. 
Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. 
Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. 
Rachel: Well, then can we meet him? 
Monica: Nope. Schhorry. 
[Scene: Iridium,* Monica and Paula are at work.]
Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. 
Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. 
Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. 
Paula: Well, you do realize the odds* of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. 
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
Joey: Let it go, Ross. 
Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. 
Monica: Do you all promise? 
All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! 
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? 
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart'* sign.  It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)
Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped* little buddy has to stay outside! 
(Chandler sulkily* picks up a garbage* can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)
Ross: Hey, Pheebs. 
Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! 
Rachel: What bank is this? 
(The intercom* buzzes.*) 
Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it? 
Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan. 
Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here! 
(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.) 
Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. 
(She opens the door and Alan enters.) 
Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. 
Alan: Hi. 
All: Hi, Alan. 
Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! 
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? 
(Silence.) 
Monica: C'mon! 
Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. 
All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! 
Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? 
All: Yeah! 
Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.) 
The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah. 
Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda* crooked.* 
Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! 
Ross: ...What shoe? 
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme.* 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' 
(Dubious pause.) 
Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick* against which all future boyfriends will be measured. 
Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it. 
Monica: Really! 
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression* alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression) 
Ross: You know what I like most about him, though? 
All: What? 
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself. 
All: Yeah... 

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly* in softball* gear*.] 
Monica: Hi.. how was the game? 
Ross: Well.. 
All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! 
Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? 
Joey: Alan. 
Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... 
Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. 
Chandler: Yep,* we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. 
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. 
Ross: What? 
Monica: ..I dunno,* a little too Alan? 
Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. 
Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. 
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. 
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless* person (Lizzie) she knows.] 
Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. 
Lizzie: Hey, Weird* Girl. 
Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. 
Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels? 
Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.) 
Lizzie: Saltines?* 
Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? 
Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here. 
Phoebe: I know. 
Lizzie: Weird* Girl, what are you doing? 
Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. 
Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. 
Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no. 
Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil* hat? 
Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. 
Lizzie: Please, let me do something. 
Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? 
Lizzie: Okay. 
Phoebe: Okay. 
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray.  He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.   While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]
Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel? 
Phoebe: No, I'm fine. 
Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.* 
(Phoebe opens the can* and reacts.) 
Phoebe: Huh! 
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]
Ross: A thumb?! 
(Phoebe nods.) 
All: Eww! 
Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!* 
Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest,* y'know? Like, collect all five? 
Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? 
All: Nooo! 
(Chandler lights a cigarette.)
All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! 
Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! 
Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! 
Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? 
Chandler: So I have a flaw!* Big deal!* Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking* isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort* when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? 
(An awkward* silence ensues.)
Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? 
Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it. 
Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews* her hair? 
(Phoebe spits out her hair.)
Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.* 
Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"? 
(Monica laughs and snorts.) 
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. 
Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. 
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. 
Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves* come on. 
(They degenerate into bickering* and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]
Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? 
Paula: No. 
Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. 
Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! 
Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. 
Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! 
Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. 
Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. 
Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. 
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]
Joey: Do you have any respect for your body? 
Ross: Don't you realize what you're-you're doing to yourself? 
Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom* line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. 
Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. 
Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.) 
Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good. 
Ross: If only he were a woman. 
Rachel: Yeah. 
(They give each other a dubious look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.] 
Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock* on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. 
Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine* patch. (Does so.) 
Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey? 
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? 
Rachel: I think he's across the hall. 
Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) 
Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go. 
Chandler: (deadpan)* Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. 
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? 
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? 
Ross: Hey, I might! 
Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. 
All: You're kidding. Oh my God. 
Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! 
Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on? 
Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. 
Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. 
Rachel: Uh, Joey.. 
Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.) 
Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay.. 
All: Oh! That was Lambchop! 
Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. 
Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not. 
Monica: Alright, we have to talk. 
Phoebe: There it is! 
Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan. 
(They all gasp and clutch each other.)
Ross: Is there somebody else? 
Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change. 
Rachel: We didn't change.. 
Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? 
Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair) 
Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending- 
Joey: Okay! 
Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! 
Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. 
Monica: I'm sorry.. 
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! 
Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- 
Monica: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans. 
All: Oh, yeah! Right! 
Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay? 
Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. 
Monica: (dubious) I understand. 
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking* the news to Alan.]
Alan: Wow. 
Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry. 
Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta* tell you, I am a little relieved. 
Monica: Relieved? 
Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand* your friends. 
Closing Credits 
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is moping* around and eating ice cream.] 
Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. 
Ross: Yeah. He could row like a Viking. 
Monica: (entering) Hi. 
All: Mmm. 
Ross: So how'd it go? 
Monica: Oh, y'know.. 
Phoebe: Did he mention us? 
Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look) 
Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere.* (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.) 
Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. 
All: No no no! 
Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! 
Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! 
Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.
End